


Thoughts

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-12
Updated: 2005-04-12
Packaged: 2019-05-15 21:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14798075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Sometimes your world shifts.





	Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Sometimes your world shifts, you don’t expect it to, but it tilts on its axis and when it settles nothing is ever the same.

So there we are, C.J and I, sitting on the sofa in a hotel suite on a Friday night. She’s in a bathrobe, I’m still in my tux and we’re having ‘the conversation’. She knows how I feel but so far I’m none the wiser about where I stand. And then, when I had given up control of the conversation to C.J. , not that I’d really had it to begin with if I’m honest…when I’ve begun to give up hope and wonder how I could have dared dream of sharing the rest of my life with this amazing woman, it happens. And it starts with words….

“Not like that, Sam.” She’s sitting at the far end of sofa, her feet resting on my lap. I'm suddenly at this place with C.J where I don't know if she likes me. I don't know if she doesn't like me. I don't know if she's indifferent altogether. And she’s still trying to explain it to me.

“I want to be here with you, exactly where we are, more than I want anything else. I'm just a little overwhelmed by that; I didn't expect to be in love with you..."

"What?" Breathe Seaborn, breathe. Have you ever had that moment when someone takes your breath away just with what they say?

"What?"

"CJ, you love me?" Please, I’m silently begging the great whatever from high atop the thing; PLEASE don’t let me be hearing things now. I’ll be good, I’ll go outside, turn around three times and spit if I have to but please let me have heard her right.

"Of course I do, why else would I be here? I love you, Samshine, even when I make up terrible names for you."

"Call me whatever you want, CJ, just tell me again what you just said."

And she crawls over to me and rests her head on my shoulder, and I can feel her relaxing again as I curl my arm round her body and pull her tight against my side. And I’m looking down at her, which doesn’t happen very often, as she smiles and whispers to me the words I never thought I’d hear her say outside of my dreams.

"I love you, Sam."

And I know I’m smiling, I can’t help it.

We look into each other’s eyes for a moment, and then I do the only thing I can, I kiss C.J and it’s even better than the last time. Maybe I have been doing something wrong all these years, I think randomly before the last coherent thoughts disappear from my head, and in that case I’m going to have to do this with C.J a lot more so I learn to do it right.

When we finally come up for air we’re both smiling. As I look down at her something dawns on me, this is a woman who came to California in an Evening Dress straight from a White House dinner, and didn’t bring a change of clothes…and I fight the urge to tighten my arms around her for a moment. I’ve got to ask this question and I’m not sure I want the answer.

“C.J, when are you supposed to go back?”

She looks at me, and the smile shifts to one of mild amusement, I’ve seen that look before.

“I only just got here Spanky, you want rid of me already?”

I laugh “Hell no. But your flight? I mean you came with no clothes and are you expected in the office tomorrow?”

She’s still smiling, “It’s not tomorrow Samshine, it’s later today”. I guess she’s right there.

“I’ve got an open ended ticket, and if I get the switchboard to put Simon on notice he can take care of anything that comes up over the weekend. Carol will keep him out of trouble, and it is what I hired him for”

This is beginning to sound good, maybe better than good.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” I have to ask, because there’s still a chance I could have read this wrong.

“I’m playing hooky”

Part of me wants to cheer, and I can feel my smile widen, which I didn’t think was possible. She smiles back and gives a contented sigh, I stroke her hair and her eyes close.

“Which room do you want tonight?” I ask her, because I’d be happy for her to fall asleep with me right here on the sofa but C.J’s six foot tall and most of that is leg, and I don’t want her to get cramp sleeping on the sofa.

“There’s the main bedroom, or the guest room, they’ve both got king beds. I’ve been using the main bedroom”

She still has her eyes closed as she mutters “the main bedroom”

“I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight then; you don’t mind me not moving my stuff?” I think I left the place tidy this morning, and the housekeeping staff have been in today, it shouldn’t be that bad.

He eyes open and she shoots me a look I can’t read.

“I was kind of planning on you being there as well”

And for the third, or maybe fourth time tonight I have to remind myself to keep breathing.

******

He's awfully quiet; maybe I've scared him a little with my choice. Truth be told, I'm a little scared myself. I didn't really have a plan when I came here, and I don't have one now, but I won't go back. Why should we? I mean really, why should we? I think we both deserve a little slice of happy, a little of ourselves back. I believe this and the man beside me surely believes it too.

I hope.

"Sam, are you sleeping?"

He's smiling, chuckling slightly to himself, and probably for me. I like that about that about him, that he still laughs at my crappy jokes after all these years.

"Hardly CJ, I was..."

"Trying to sleep?"

"No, more like trying to work out how to get my fingers under that robe without losing my hand."

He's running his hand over my hip now, tickling me as I try to maintain an outward calm.

"Sam, I'm really tired."

You know, I used to be a whole lot better at this. I'm sure I used to be able to say what I mean, is it just Sam who makes me so inarticulate? His hand on my thigh, or any part of me now seems to disengage my brain. That's not something I should tell him, should I? And there it is again, my brain is slipping it's shackles as he kisses my shoulder with an infinite tenderness which makes me want to keep this man with me forever.

"I don't mean to be a smart ass, CJ. I wasn't, but you had me a little tongue tied, and I reacted. Why don't I see if I can find you something to wear, and I'll let you get some sleep."

"Okay, that would be nice. I would never think you were being a smart ass..."

"CJ?"

"Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, there have been times in the past when I entertained the notion that you might be a..."

"Smart ass?"

"Right."

"But that's in the past?"

I'm in trouble here, I'll admit that now. He's a little less Sam than I thought, a lot more confident and a lot more irresistible. I hate that about him, actually... I might have mentioned that I love that about him. He's smiling still, stroking my hair, trying to make me react to his little seduction.

"Sam, are you fishing? Cause you really don't need to, I got on the plane remember. I am tired Sam, it's been a long week. And month, and year, and tonight..."

"What, CJ?"

He whispers this to me, confident of my reaction, confident of his feelings.

"I want to go to sleep beside you. I want to sleep, Sam. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is, anything CJ. You know that."

"Good, and we can talk in the morning?"

"We will, I can't wait. Now come woman, I'm taking you to bed."

"Really?"

"Yeah, well I thought telling you that would be more manly than begging?"

"Again with the 'manly'"

"I'm nervous here, give me a break. I'm about to go and sleep beside this woman I care about a little too much. And I'm nervous I'll waken up in the morning and she won't be there."

She will be Sam, she really will. But I don't say this, because outside of my head it sounds less than it is. So I answer him my own way, and I know he'll understand. I kiss him, and he kisses me back. A lot.

"Sam?"

"You're tired, right?"

"Yeah, I am. Sorry. So we should..."

"Go to bed?"

"That would be what we should do."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"CJ?"

"I know, I know. It's just a little weird Sam, but in a good way. When I woke up this morning I didn't imagine I would be here."

"In Newport Beach?"

"See, you tell a woman you love her then spoil it all by being a smart ass."

I'm smiling as I say these words, and it's good to tease him like this, good to be here with him. I've made him happy, for now. But that's something I'll obsess over in the morning, Sam’s happiness. Tonight I just want to hold him, and to be held.

"I do love you though, CJ, that's the part I want you to focus on."

Believe me Sam, that part has my attention. I'm doing a whole lot of focusing on the love part.

"Take that for granted, Sam. So can I get a t-shirt or something?"

"For?"

"Sleeping in, or do I have to put the dress back on?"

"Actually that's one of my fantasy..."

"Sam?"

"Yeah, I'll get a shirt."

I would have worn the dress Sam, but I'll keep that to myself for now.

So we go about our night time routine, both pretending this is normal. Both trying to pretend that this isn't awkward. But it is, because this isn't what we do, right? We're Sam and CJ, and they act nothing like the two people in this room. Which is something I'll have to get past, hopefully with Sam.

That would be the Sam who has just come out of the bathroom wearing sweat pants and nothing else. Nothing. Else.

And I appear to be staring, though in my defence he's staring right back.

"You look good in my shirt, better than I do."

Well, that's not the way to calm me down Sam. I feel exposed, dressed as I am. I mean if I were at home this would be okay, but there is a little too much leg and thigh on display for public consumption. But then this is Sam, and when he smiles at me like he is right now...

"You look good yourself Sam."

And again we're grinning like idiots; this is going to be difficult I think.

"CJ, come to bed."

And suddenly it's not difficult; it's the easiest thing in the world. Sam reaches for me and guides me towards his bed, pulling me down with him, displaying a confidence he has been hiding well.

Sam and I are in bed together.

Really.

"CJ."

"Yeah?"

"Is this okay?"

You have no idea.

"Better than okay, Sam."

And it is. We are lying together, wrapped together, breathing in and out. I guess I would say we were snuggling if I were a more sentimental woman. But that's not me...

But I like the feel of his skin under my fingers, the soft caress of his breath in my hair. I am starting to drift, I can feel it. The sensation Sam is creating by rubbing his hand across my back, skimming the edge of my shirt, is hypnotic. He has magic in his fingers, but I might have mentioned that before. I want to tell him this before sleep claims me, want to say that I am happy here in his arms.

"I love you, Sam."

******

Her words still make me hold my breath, just for a moment, and I wonder how long it will be before I can hear her say them without my heart stopping, maybe next week, next year, forever?

I whisper “I love you C.J” into the darkness, though I can tell from her breathing she’s already slipped over into sleep, because I can say it now, after all these years of silence, and it feels so good.

If you told me on Monday that I’d have spent Friday night in an airport, that Aristotle would come into play again, that by somewhere around 2am on Saturday morning I’d be in bed with C.J Cregg who has told me she loves me and fallen asleep in my arms, whilst wearing one of my shirts, I’d have laughed. I’d have wished it was true somewhere in the recesses of my mind, but I’d have laughed.

And now I’m laying here trying not to sleep, because I don’t want to wake up in the morning and discover that this was all a dream, a wonderful and rather intense dream, I want to savour every moment…

I find myself daring to think of a future with this woman in my arms, because I know now what it feels like to hold her, to kiss her and to have her fall asleep beside me and it’s wonderful.

C.J sighs in her sleep and snuggles closer, and the rhythm of her breathing is making my eyes close.

I know this isn’t going to be easy. We both have our jobs, though right now my situation is far more up in the air than hers. We’re public figures and we’re going to have to talk about how to break this to the media, to our friends, to our ‘bosses’ though in the case of Leo and the President they’re the same thing. We’re going to have to deal with the fact that I’m in California for at least another 60 days and she works in Washington. We’re going to have our doubts to face and our demons to fight, but she’s worth it, C.J’s worth it. The fact that she loves me, that I love her, that there’s an ‘us,’ I’ll fight for it, I’ll face anything to protect this woman and the precious gift we’ve been given.

I know this isn’t going to be easy, but tonight, C.J’s sleeping in my arms, tonight I’m going to give myself up to the wonder. Reality will come soon enough.

Somewhere in my mind a decision is made not to fight sleep anymore, and I feel myself falling asleep, perchance to dream.


End file.
